Our Healers are Hurting

A silent epidemic has been plaguing the veterinary field for years. Lives of successful and compassionate individuals have been cut short leaving families and loved ones in shambles. Veterinarians

Grief: Carrying The Invisible Weight

Grief is an unavoidable, universal experience. It’s a giant dark storm cloud that swallows you, and it can feel impossible for that cloud to ever pass. It’s Sisyphus’ boulder; as soon as you think you’re feeling okay and making progress, the downhill force of gravity knocks you back down again. But if everyone experiences grief at some point in their life, why does it seem so common to expect grieving pet owners to simply “get over” what they’re feeling? Why does society treat some grief as more serious than other types of grief when the pain feels just as heavy?

It is important to recognize the many types of grief so we can begin to understand the unique needs of those who are in the midst of their grieving process and provide the proper type of support. Grief manifests in many ways, but the most common types of grief experienced by pet owners are normal, anticipatory, complicated, disenfranchised, and prolonged. Before we get too deep into the material, please know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timeline or rule book to follow, and the grieving process is not at all linear. Now that we’ve established that, let’s dive in!

Normal grief is considered to be a typical, expected reaction to the loss of a pet. Symptoms of grief can be physical or psychological. They can be strong at first including sadness, anger, loneliness, lack of appetite, fatigue, digestive issues, and sleep disturbances. With normal grief, these symptoms lessen over time as you learn to live this new life without your pet. Symptoms of normal grief can lessen with good support from family or friends and developing healthy coping mechanisms.

Anticipatory grief is the wide range of emotional distress and pain one may feel when their pet has been diagnosed with a serious illness. It can also be experienced when a pet owner thinks about their pet’s mortality and inevitable passing even when the pet is completely healthy. Intense anxiety can arise when we grapple with the fact that we will someday experience life without our beloved companion. I admit, I would have moments where I’d look at my sweet, energetic young dog and cry to myself at the thought of losing him. It would fill me with absolute dread imagining all the horrible possibilities or scenarios where he’d be ripped away from me by some unexpected illness or accident. Anticipatory is a perfectly healthy and normal thing to experience, but sometimes the intensity of the emotions can be disruptive or harmful.

Sometimes grief can become so severe that it prevents a person from performing their day-to-day activities or fulfilling their typical responsibilities. Complicated grief impairs functioning and can occur when an individual lacks proper support, validation, and resources. When a pet who serves as a main source of support passes away, their owner can be left completely devastated and unable to see a way out of the darkness. Those most at risk for experiencing complicated grief are trauma survivors and those with pre-existing anxiety or depression. The nature of the pet’s death can also play a part in what type of grief can occur. If a pet’s passing was sudden, unexpected, or traumatic, this puts the human at higher risk of experiencing complicated grief.

Disenfranchised grief is a type of grief experienced by countless pet owners. This type of grief is not typically acknowledged or validated by broader society, leaving pet owners feeling isolated or misunderstood in their pain. Disenfranchised grief can intensify for those who don’t have robust social support. As an example, let’s say someone at your job lost their grandmother. You may see your other colleagues provide an outpouring of support, maybe a sympathy card gets passed around while the employee is on bereavement leave. A few months later, you lose the cat you’ve had for 15 years. You don’t qualify for bereavement leave, and instead of love and support from colleagues, you get asked if you’re going to get another cat. Two significant losses have occurred, but one is treated as more socially acceptable and more worthy of support than the other.

A newly recognized condition has made its way into the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR) called Prolonged Grief Disorder. Prolonged grief is a specific type of complicated grief that involves lengthy and intense suffering that impedes daily functioning. It is characterized by persistent, ongoing longing for or preoccupation with the deceased as well as impaired functioning. To meet criteria for Prolonged Grief Disorder, symptoms must be present for at least 12 months. Grief can indeed become so intense that is is impossible to find the will to focus on your to-do list, or even take care of your most basic needs like eating and bathing.

One of my favorite actresses, Aubrey Plaza, was recently interviewed by another personal favorite, Amy Poehler. Aubrey lost her husband tragically last year. When talking about her grief, she compares it to a giant “ocean of awfulness” that is ever present. Sometimes she wants to dive into this ocean and exist within it. Sometimes it consumes her unexpectedly like sneaky waves or rip currents. Sometimes she just wants to avoid or get away from it. No matter how she is feeling, this vast awfulness is always there. This has to be one of my favorite analogies for grief I’ve heard lately. Maybe you can relate?

No matter what type of grief you are experiencing, it’s important for your own healing to ensure you have what you need to get through the initial grieving process and to help support your heavy heart in the long-term. This includes social support from trusted friends and family, support groups, or a therapist. It also includes practicing healthy coping mechanisms such as creative expression through writing or art, or practicing solid self-care rituals. If you feel like you want to cry, let it out. Leaning into your feelings can be difficult, but it’s necessary to honor them in order to grow beyond your loss.

Continuing Bonds theory suggests that ties do not need to be severed after death, and that maintaining the relationship you have with your pet in absence of their physical body can be a healthy and comforting practice. My soul dog passed away in 2021. His ashes, collar, and various keepsake items are displayed on an altar in my home. I still talk to him and about him, and find myself periodically sitting down to quietly look at photos and videos as I reflect on how much he still means to me. I still cry, and I think I always will. I can be grateful for the life I have built now in this present moment, and miss the life I had with him at the same time.

If you are struggling with grief, no matter the type, it is possible to feel better and learn to grow alongside the giant ocean of awfulness. As a broader society, we have to drop the idea that people “get over” the loss of a loved one. Grief never goes away. We must learn to honor it and carry it as we continue down the path toward the rest of our life, hopefully to be reunited in some way with the ones we will miss forever.